“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
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Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.