me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?