Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I enjoy a good short stor
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping ðŸ˜
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry