Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
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COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
And then there were 4
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT