Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
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With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
cat vs inanimate object
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.