they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
did it work
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.