‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
💁🏻♂️
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
A leaf blower, but for people.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.