Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
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People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Stick it to the man
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.