My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.