My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
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I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
What the dentist sees
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”