If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
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Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?