If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
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Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
🤣
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
A drum solo but on your face.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.