Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
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Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she鈥檚 announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Parents who say they鈥檙e going to the store for smokes and never return, what鈥檚 wrong with you? It鈥檚 your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I鈥檓 convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don鈥檛 even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 馃檪
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
media CEO: we鈥檙e doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am