World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
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A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
The Punning Dead.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species