her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
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*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?