Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
a fate I wish upon no one
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.