I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
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Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer