When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
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My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Need this in my life lol
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
what’s really going on
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.