Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
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Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.