With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
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I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning