Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
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Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Breaking news:
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?