me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
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me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
lol
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.