When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
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They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)