Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
You Might Also Like
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?