well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
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BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Me sliding into hell like
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups