GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.