“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌