It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
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Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
this is the best day of my life
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Me too
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that