BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
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[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids