I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
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I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
The happy life.. 😊
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Sign of the day..
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it