Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
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#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Damn he played himself
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!