Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
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Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
🙄😏😂🤣
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.