Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
You Might Also Like
Posting this on behalf of a friend
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)