You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog