if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah