People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
You Might Also Like
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.