I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*