me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
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Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Bless you
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭