ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
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Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!