Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I’m not proud
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
buys donuts instead
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.