I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
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[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Great game to play with friends
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Adultry does not sound fun at all