Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.