the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
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If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?