wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
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[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
The Punning Dead.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife