Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
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stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I have never related to anyone more.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Why font matters.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*