i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
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I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My inexpensive home security system…
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name