Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
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sugar glider wrangler
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.