Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Snapes on a plane.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?