I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries