[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
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I’m having an out of money experience.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.